You need to read part 1 first, seriously.
Everything for the home birth had been set up in the kitchen. There’s a very well lit, wide open space there that my wife is comfortable in to give birth, and it’s happened twice before (August was born at home as well, but in between the dining room and living room. Unfortunately, the living room where my wife’s water broke as she lay on the couch was relatively far from where everything was set up. Add to this the fact that there was no midwife, no midwife assistant, no doula, just an untrained husband who is squeamish, and you can imagine the panic that is beginning to set in, for both of us.
The first thing I do is go to where the birth was planned to take place and set the futon on the floor of the living room next to the couch. I then call the midwife to tell her to get here immediately. Since the water broke at 2:54, I am estimating at this point it’s about 2:58 or so. Now the contractions are coming every 5 minutes. My wife rolls off the couch onto the futon, lays down on her side and tries to get her pants off. This is when the first yell comes. I’ve heard this yell before. She’s about to push.
I’m on the phone with the midwife, who apparently has been having trouble finding a replacement midwife for us. They are all either busy with births their own or just getting off long shifts. My wife informs me that the head is coming, and she begins to push. I hear the midwife tell her assistant to call 911. I put the phone down, because apparently I’m going to be the one to catch this baby as it comes out.
With one push the head is out. It’s blue. No, not cold lips blue, but crayon blue. I start freaking out, but have to hold it together, and no, I don’t know how I managed. I try to relay as much information as I can, yelling into the phone as it lay on the futon next to me and coaching my wife who is on her side using my hands to hold the baby. It wasn’t until a couple of hours later that I realized I should have put the phone on speaker.
At this point my wife yells at me to “Pull it out!” Seriously? You want me to REACH IN and pull it out? I know that’s not necessarily standard practice, so I’ll wait a moment, thank very much. I place her upper foot on my shoulder and with one more push the rest of the baby comes out.
Yes, I’m leaving out some details, but not much. Those that I’m leaving out are the ones that aren’t going to make it past the censors. You’re welcome.
I place the baby (a boy, by the way) on my wife’s chest, get a blanket, place it over the two of them then pick up the phone. The midwife informs me that the time of delivery was 3:06am. Let me break this down. At 2:45 the contractions are 6 minutes apart, at 2:54 the water breaks, and the baby is delivered in two pushes at 3:06 with contractions never getting closer together than 5 minutes. During the previous appointment, the midwife said this would probably be the smallest baby my wife would give birth to. I joked that it would be like the scene at the opening of Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.